I am one confused pagan.
On one hand, I believe in spirits, demons, ghosts, poltergeists, shadow-people, aliens, past-lives, reincarnation, plant and animal spirits—the whole nine yards. But on the other hand, I still cannot find myself believing in any deities or gods. I just cannot connect with any sort of higher power. And I’ve tried. I can’t even connect with my own spirit guides, if you believe in that sort of thing (I’m still on the fence here as well).
Like I said, I’m confused. I’m going to try my best to describe my feelings on spirits, deities, and pantheons, and I’m going to do it completely unedited and raw. I think when it comes to opinion pieces like this, my voice flows better when I write like I speak. So bear with me as I try to sort out my brain-thoughts into actual human-English-words.
Also, this post is a twofer. All the images in this post are a quick guide to making my favorite herbal water because I made myself an herb garden this weekend and felt fancy.
I 100% believe in ghosts. I just can’t help it, I mean, I basically am Fox Mulder when it comes to ghosts. I will do whatever it takes to prove their existence. And because of my strong belief in the human soul, I also strongly believe that there is something else after death. However, I don’t necessarily believe in a distinct Heaven, or Summer Land or Valhalla or whatever special place.
To me, it seems like the soul is more individual than just dying and then going to a magical paradise of magical amazingness. If that place exists, why do we even have to go to Earth first?
I fall more into the boat of reincarnation and multiple dimensions, where we meet with other souls (like a soul group), and reflect on the lessons we learned. The only issue I have with this, is the purpose. Who cares if I learned anything in this life? What is the collective goal?
Anyway, I definitely believe in spirits, and I find that it is easier to communicate and have a relationship with all kinds of (human, animal, and even plant) spirits to help my magick along… sort of like how the Fae is supposed to work.
Ugh this part is so hard. I really, really want to believe in deities. Especially The Morrigan, Brighid, and Hecate. I really enjoy researching and learning about those three goddesses, and I have tried really hard to contact them. I’ve meditated, tried calling them in dreams, I even left offerings out for Hecate multiple times…
There is just this vast emptiness when it comes to my connection with any god or goddess. Even when I was Christian and would pray, I would never feel connected with God. I stepped away from that path because I realized that it was like talking into an empty room, hoping someone would hear me.
And this brings me back to spirits. The only responses I’d ever get to prayers and dreams were from spirits… Maybe this is why I’ve been able to connect so well.
I decided to talk about Pantheons too because I think, as an eclectic pagan (as I call myself), it is important to know where the deities you connect with are from and their peoples’ culture. This is why I typically gravitate towards the Irish/Celtic Pantheon, because I know that it is a part of my blood, and I can claim it.
This is also important to note that while most well-known Pantheons are open (because their culture is technically dead and anyone can connect to those gods, like the Egyptian, Greek, Nordic, and Celtic Pantheons… correct me if I’m wrong), some Pantheons and spiritualities are technically closed or require a lot of work to be truly dedicated. The majority of Native American beliefs and the Voodoo religion are just some examples.
Trying to stick myself in a specific cultural Pantheon is not only important (if I feel like I can finally connect with a god or goddess), but it also keeps me from stealing the spirituality from other marginalized cultures that I have no right to claim.
While I think being intuitive with yourself and allowing deities and spirits to come to you, I also think it is very important to know your boundaries.
Right now I will probably be calling myself an agnostic witch. I find that I practice witchcraft much more than I do paganism. Essentially I focus on my personal power rather than the power of gods or goddesses.
If you watched my Update Vlog, you know that I am changing up the scheduling for things. I have been feeling very all over the place recently, so I am toning down how often I post. Every Friday is when I expect to publish something here, and every Tuesday there will be a video up on my YouTube channel. I also have something else in the works for my YouTube channel… so stay tuned.